@mortimermaiden

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

@mortimermaiden

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

@mortimermaiden

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

@mortimermaiden

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

@mortimermaiden

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

@mortimermaiden

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

@mortimermaiden

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.