Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of mortimermaiden's best tweets

@mortimermaiden : me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

@mortimermaiden: bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

@mortimermaiden: Me: I don't trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

@mortimermaiden: Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

@mortimermaiden: Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

@mortimermaiden: Doctor: I'm sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can't believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

@mortimermaiden: Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There's no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who's been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

@mortimermaiden: [shopping for a house]
Me: It's nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

@mortimermaiden: [humane society]
Me: Hi, I'd like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That's not—
Me: Oops, I'm sorry. One "grande" dog please.

@mortimermaiden: Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.