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Page of mortimermaiden's best tweets

@mortimermaiden : me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

@mortimermaiden: bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

@mortimermaiden: Me: I don't trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

@mortimermaiden: Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*

@mortimermaiden: Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

@mortimermaiden: Doctor: I'm sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can't believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

@mortimermaiden: Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There's no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who's been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

@mortimermaiden: [shopping for a house]
Me: It's nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

@mortimermaiden: [humane society]
Me: Hi, I'd like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That's not—
Me: Oops, I'm sorry. One "grande" dog please.

@mortimermaiden: Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.