Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of mortimermaiden's best tweets

@mortimermaiden : Doctor: I'm afraid we've lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It's just a figure of speech, ma'am, he's right here in the morgue.

@mortimermaiden: Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

@mortimermaiden: I'm peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

@mortimermaiden: me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

@mortimermaiden: [science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

@mortimermaiden: Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you're the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

@mortimermaiden: Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won't start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

@mortimermaiden: *stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
"It's empty!" some yell
"That was a stock photo" others say

@mortimermaiden: Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

@mortimermaiden: Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it's my first time
Me: Don't worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher