Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
🤣
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak