Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of mostlysharks's best tweets

@mostlysharks : doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

@mostlysharks: it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

@mostlysharks: Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

@mostlysharks: [meeting my gf's parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf's dad: sorry for the wait, dinner's ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

@mostlysharks: the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

@mostlysharks: Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

@mostlysharks: shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

@mostlysharks: friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

@mostlysharks: in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies