@mostlysharks: it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
@mostlysharks: Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
@mostlysharks: [meeting my gf's parents]
gf: just please be serious
gf's dad: sorry for the wait, dinner's ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
me: IN AZKABAN
@mostlysharks: the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
@mostlysharks: Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Octopi are VERY SMART
@mostlysharks: shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
me: or laundry detergent
@mostlysharks: friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
@mostlysharks: in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies