why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I have a new favorite meme page
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.