me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.