@moutheaters

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

@moutheaters

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

@moutheaters

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

@moutheaters

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@moutheaters

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

@moutheaters

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

@MouthEaters

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die