Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?