9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.