[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser
day 4563: wahey! water dispenser
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper