me: what kind of dog is that?
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I just wanna kill someone
and I know EXACTLY how
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that
Farmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*