waiter: what’ll it be?
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
grandma: more potatoes?
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great