@mrjohntofu

I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.

@mrjohntofu

Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.

@mrjohntofu

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

@mrjohntofu

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

@mrjohntofu

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

@mrjohntofu

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

@mrjohntofu

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?