I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.
Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.