Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.