If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
want me to check your oil?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here