My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”