I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
doing your own taxes
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.