landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
me: no shoes in the house
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here