@mrtiredeyes

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

@mrtiredeyes

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

@mrtiredeyes

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

@mrtiredeyes

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

@mrtiredeyes

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

@mrtiredeyes

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

@mrtiredeyes

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

@mrtiredeyes

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

@mrtiredeyes

me: goodnight moon ūüôā

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars ūüôā

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard ūüôā

security guard: how the hell did you get in here