The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.