@mrtruthandsoul

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

@mrtruthandsoul

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

@mrtruthandsoul

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@mrtruthandsoul

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

@mrtruthandsoul

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.