Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@msdanifernandez : Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
@msdanifernandez: *eats 3 edibles*
...am....am I my dogs sugar daddy
@msdanifernandez: Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
@msdanifernandez: Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
@msdanifernandez: Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what--
Me: omg yes
@msdanifernandez: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
@msdanifernandez: Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
@msdanifernandez: Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
@msdanifernandez: [during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
@msdanifernandez: *on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it*