@msdanifernandez

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

@msdanifernandez

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@msdanifernandez

No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.

@msdanifernandez

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

@msdanifernandez

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

@msdanifernandez

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

@msdanifernandez

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart