Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
s
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[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.