I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.