People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Worth the read.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.