britain’s three elite institutions
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
oh no, steve’s working tonight
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I can’t wait!
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first