I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Pigeon open mic night.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.