Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
You Might Also Like
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back