Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
You Might Also Like
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road