I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
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Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I know
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.