When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
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MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman