Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?