*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
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Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
liiiiiiiiike
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Damn what did I do next
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.