Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
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*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal