I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
secret recipe
Stop.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.