Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.