Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I love wikipedia
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN