It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.