Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
you have three unread messages
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!