[waiting with friend for his test results]
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
I don’t wanna look silly
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
great and now sky water