If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
When your parents check you’re ok.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Life hack
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord