ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Uh oh…
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao