Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
congratulations to them
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
This is my bus stop.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.