According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Yoga Matt
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?