Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera