Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*puts my mental health in rice
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Isn’t
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!