Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me