CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.