“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
You Might Also Like
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Stop it! 😂
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message