THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
john wicks are toilet candles
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch